Away From Me

Not funny, but topical (though written many years ago), with apologies to the Gershwin brothers:

Away From Me

The way you wore your hat,
The way you looked to sea,
The way you tried to chat -
No, they can’t take that away from me.

The way you held your knife,
The way no one could see,
The way you wrecked my life -
No, they can’t take that away from me.

May we never ever meet again -
It is better just in case
I am tempted to throw acid in your face.

The way we left the town,
The way we reached the quay,
The way you pinned me down -
No, they can’t take that away from me.

The way you hid my screams,
The way you groaned with glee,
The way you stole my dreams -
No, they can’t take that away from me.

May we never ever meet again -
If we do, be sure to find
That I will wreak revenge on your behind.

The way you pulled my hair,
The way you crushed my knee,
The way you didn’t care -
No, they can’t take that away from me.

The way you got your mount,
The way you left scot-free,
The way I didn’t count -
No, they can’t take that away from me.

May we never ever meet again -
Or, despite your pleas and begs,
I will take a heavy hammer to your legs.

The way I felt ashamed,
The way I loathed to be,
The way my mind was maimed -
No, they can’t take that away from me.

The way it hurt to tell,
The way I longed to flee,
The way I lived through hell -
No, they can’t take that away from me.

May we never ever meet again,
And I trust we never will,
For I don’t think I’d suppress the urge to kill.

The way you’ve fucked my head,
The way I’m off my tree,
The way you haunt my bed -
No, they can’t take that away from me.

The visits to my shrink,
The tablets with my tea,
The other things I drink -
No, they can’t take that away from me.

No, they can’t take that away from me.

What have the LibDems done for us?

New gigs ahoy! But first an election...

You will notice from my gigs list that I have added many more upcoming events, in Glasgow, Edinburgh, London and beyond. I reproduce the first of these below:


Monday 2 May, 8pm
The 13th Note, 50-60 King Street, Glasgow G1 5QT
INITIAL ITCH Election Special
Although not quite a candidate this time round (having been selected and then withdrawn to spend more time writing), I will be flying the flag for the Liberal Democrats at Glasgow's most creative and best performed political hustings.

Clean Photographs

Well, they were taken in my bathroom...

Fun(d) Raising

Tonight, I will be adopting the role of quiz master, song leader and general entertainer. And I'm not even going to be paid for it. It's in a good cause (if you want me to explain why I think it's a good cause, you know how to get in touch). The event is on Facebook.

If anyone fancies paying me for doing similar in a bad cause...